Closure

I suppose I've finally come to some form of closure in this phase of my life. Things have been unsettled, and in certain aspects a big way, but through it all I've been dealt a lesson that God is my pillar of strength, that I should look to nowhere else, that I should not take matters into my own hands and that I should focus on Him.

It is always a matter of faith.

"I refuse to prove that I exist," says God, "for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing."

"But," say Man, "the Babel fish is a dead giveaway, isn't it? It could not have evolved by chance. It proves you exist, and so therefore, by your own arguments, you don't. QED."

"Oh dear," says God, "I hadn't though of that" and promply vanishes in a puff of logic.

Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy

As blasphemous as Douglas Adams was in Hitchhikers', it does illustrates the point that faith is the antithesis of logic and rationality. With faith you step off the cliff knowing that somehow you'll survive, with faith you let go of all the work you have painstakingly done and leave it in the hands of God. And it is faith that I have a problem with.

Christianity is a logical religion. Indeed, it is, if I dare say, the most rational and logical religion. Anything and everything can be proven somehow, or shows inherent wisdom and logic within it, but yet it all stems from a singular act of illogical and irrational faith.

So do not worry saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
Romans 6:31-33

And that is my struggle. I have been rational all this while. Or at least I try to be. But my faith in God has always been a nagging issue. I know He's there, but I just cannot put down things I have been holding on to and entrust everything in His hands. And thus these things that happened in the past month or so happened, and in taking away those things that I hold on to, I am told to focus on Him.

I hope I have learnt my lesson, and that I can renew my spiritual walk with renewed fervor and devotion. Because I know He will restore those things, but only at His own time.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths.
Proverbs 3:5,6

For everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven:
A time to be born, And a time to die;
A time to plant, And a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, And a time to heal;
A time to break down, And a time to build up;
A time to weep, And a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, And a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, And a time to gather stones together;
A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to seek, And a time to lose;
A time to keep, And a time to cast away;
A time to tear, And a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, And a time to speak;
A time to love, And a time to hate;
A time for war, And a time for peace.


Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

I Need Some Sleep - Eels

I need some sleep.
You can't go on like this.
I try counting sheep,
But there's one I always miss.

Everyone says, 'I'm getting down too low'
Everyone says, 'You just gotta let it go'
You just gotta let it go
You just gotta let it go

I need some sleep
time to put the old horse down
I'm in too deep
and the wheels keep spinning round

Everyone says, 'I'm getting down too low'
Everyone says, 'You just gotta let it go'
You just gotta let it go
You just gotta let it go

You just gotta let it go
You just gotta let it go
You just gotta let it go

I'm tired. Maybe its time to go. Adieu.

Its always so much easier being the bad guy

Isn't it?

You don't have to be answerable for your actions. People assume since you're a piece of shit you don't really need to have a reason for doing the things that you did. People just accept the fact that you do it because you're, well, bad.

In the same manner, it sucks when you try to do it right. Because when you screw it up, it is held against you. Your actions are held up against the light to be scrutinised, to be criticised. Why? Because you're expected to do right. It really does not matter what you have done before that, because it is by your misdeeds that you are judged in people's eyes.

God's lessons are often lost on the blind and deaf, and those whose hearts are hardened by their sins. Sometimes I wonder if I am one of them, because somehow those lessons seem to be lost on me too. And indeed, while it is easy to be the bad person in Man's eyes, for Man is shallow and judgemental, God is all-seeing and all-knowing and nothing escapes his eyes. His gaze penetrate to the deepest depths of your heart; He sees every deed, every thought. And He knows the truth.

When deeds are done, sometimes we try to offer an explanation as to why it happened, as if to atone for our guilt. But it is only in Man's eyes will we receive forgiveness, not His, should we pursue this path. Sometimes Man's eyes are shut and his ears turned, and we apologise in vain, for Man has made his mind, and passed his judgement. And we sit down blaming ourselves for our indiscressions.

But it is really in God's eyes that true forgiveness stems. Jesus paid for our sins. He loved us, so that we may love. He forgave us, so that we may forgive. And He has not judged us, so who are we to judge?

And in my guilt, I shall set off on the path of the straight and narrow. I shall learn to cast off the shackles of earthly delights and temptations, and learn that He is my manna, and He shall provide. He will be my guiding light and my strength to stop me from straying the path, and to learn to walk the talk. I need to be able to do it.

Because if I don't, as much as He can forgive me, I cannot forgive myself.

Hymn - Jars of Clay

Oh refuge of my hardened heart
Oh fast pursuing lover come
As angels dance 'round Your throne
My life by captured fare You own

Not silhouette of trodden faith
Nor death shall not my steps be guide
I'll pirouette upon mine grave
For in Your path I'll run and hide

Oh gaze of love so melt my pride
That I may in Your house but kneel
And in my brokenness to cry
Spring worship unto Thee

When beauty breaks the spell of pain
The bludgeoned heart shall burst in vain
But not when love be pointed king
And truth shall Thee forever reign

Oh gaze of love so melt my pride
That I may in Your house but kneel
And in my brokenness to cry
Spring worship unto Thee

Sweet Jesus carry me away
From cold of night, and dust of day
In ragged hour or salt worn eye
Be my desire, my wellspring lie

Oh gaze of love so melt my pride
That I may in Your house but kneel
And in my brokenness to cry
Spring worship unto Thee

Spring worship unto Thee
Spring worship unto Thee

Loss. And learning to live right.

Sitting down, sometimes I think a lot of life's lessons have been lost on me. Time and time again I thought I had learnt my lesson from the school of hard knocks, but yet, when I get round the corner thinking all is shiny and happy again I screw up and make the same old mistakes.

God knows how many chances He gave me, how many I threw away. Each day when you think you've done it again, you ask for His forgiveness, for His Grace, and you receive it. Yet, the very next day, when that pain has passed, when the memory of the deed has faded when you think all is fine and well, you commit the same crime. Whatever poignant lesson was doled out seemed to be taken ever so lightly by my hardened heart, by a spirit not His but my own.

I need to make lessons stick. And stick well. And not shut the door on Him.

The Absolute Worst Grades In my NUS life

Need I say more. Maybe grades do bother me after all.

Romans 6:16-23

"Don't you know that when you offer yourselves to someone to obey him as slaves, you are slaves to the one whom you obey —whether you are slaves to sin, which leads to death, or to obedience, which leads to righteousness? But thanks be to God that, though you used to be slaves to sin, you wholeheartedly obeyed the form of teaching to which you were entrusted. You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness.

I put this in human terms because you are weak in your natural selves. Just as you used to offer the parts of your body in slavery to impurity and to ever-increasing wickedness, so now offer them in slavery to righteousness leading to holiness. When you were slaves to sin, you were free from the control of righteousness. What benefit did you reap at that time from the things you are now ashamed of? Those things result in death! But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves to God, the benefit you reap leads to holiness, and the result is eternal life. For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Romans 6:16-23

24 by Switchfoot

Listen and buy their songs here

Twenty four oceans
Twenty four skies
Twenty four failures
Twenty four tries
Twenty four finds me
In twenty-fourth place
Twenty four drop outs
At the end of the day
Life is not what I thought it was
Twenty four hours ago

Still I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
And I'm not who I thought I was twenty four hours ago
Still I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You

Twenty four reasons to admit that I'm wrong
With all my excuses still twenty four strong

See I'm not copping out not copping out not copping out
When You're raising the dead in me
Oh, oh I am the second man
Oh, oh I am the second man now
Oh, oh I am the second man now

And You're raising these twenty four voices
With twenty four hearts
With all of my symphonies
In twenty four parts
But I wan to be one today
Centered and true

I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
You're raising the dead in me
Oh, oh I am the second man
Oh, oh I am the second man now
Oh, oh I am the second man now
And You're raising the dead in me

I want to see miracles, see the world change
Wrestled the angel, for more than a name
For more than a feeling
For more than a cause
I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
And You're raising the dead in me
Twenty four voices
With twenty four hearts
With all of my symphonies
In twenty four parts.
I'm not copping out. Not copping out. Not copping out.

Overachieving

Results are out tomorrow. And I know I screwed my design grades. I was going through my old projects and I realised that I've lost my drive, my vision for what I believed in. I sold out and pandered to the notion of doing the mediocre and for the grades.

I guess I never did "do it for the grades" in uni before this. Not consciously I figure. After repeating one year in JC for doing what I believed in, I've learnt to look beyond grades and just do it for the heck of it; to do it because I like it and enjoy it, and not to fulfil some criteria or requirement. Call me idealistic, for I do admit it is what I am, but what is the meaning for leading this existance if there aren't ideals and principles that you go by?

In the same way I suppose I approached my architectural education in the same way: because there are things I want to know, to explore, to find out. As of the previous sem anyway. I guess this sem I promised to get my 'A's, get on the Dean's List, whatever, and in doing so I got burnt out. I tried too hard. Not to say that I was particularly industrious, because I wasn't. I didn't feel driven. maybe it was something I had coming, after all these semesters without a proper break (Lijiang in the 1st sem, hall and SDE float in the 2nd, Venice Biennale in the 3rd, the UM-NUS thingy in the 4th and the technology workshop in the 5th). Or maybe its all just an excuse and I just wasn't focused enough.

Indeed, I had so many 'side projects'. Maybe they took their toll. Then again, of course they did. They took up my time. But I think it was for the better. I suppose I was never one to work hard, not till the last minute. And having things to occupy me when I'm tired from school work helped in its own way. Maybe this is a time to 'unclutter' my life, to reassess what is important to me. maybe its time I stop getting my feet wet in so many things, and concentrate on what's crucial.

Looking back at the past projects kind of jolted me into lucidity; the projects I did this semester seemed so shallow in exploration, so juvenile in conception in comparison to what I would have wanted. I focused on the tangible, the pragmatic, yet, somehow in focusing on what would supposedly be a gauge of progress I missed the whole point of what I had set out to gain out of this education. Intellectually, it is almost as if I've squandered the entire semester. What I end up with is a series of soul-less projects devoided of meaning to myself.

In the same way maybe this is a microcosm of my life at this point; maybe I really should try and sit down and put God in His rightful place in my heart.

...the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom,
and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength.
1 Cor 1:25 NIV


Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.
Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.
matthew 11:28-30 NIV

I need to put God in the centre of my life.

Strength

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Matthew 6:25-34